Time is the ultimate paradox.
There are periods that feel like there will never be enough time. Not enough hours in the day to study for the next exam, play one more game with the kids, cook a decent dinner, finish the household chores, or even sleep.
Then there are points where time seems to have come to an almost complete standstill. Waiting for the news from the doctor of how the surgery went, waiting for the exam grades to post, waiting for phone call offering the new job, or the elderly woman patiently waiting for her grandkids to have time to come visit her again.
Minutes can creep by slowly and yet suddenly years have flown by. Time is the one thing that cannot be controlled, and yet its use is completely up to the discretion of each individual.
According to the calendar, a 30-something year old is much too young to have a mid-life crisis. Yet, this journey through nursing school has left me feeling in the throes of uncertainty and self-doubt. I never imagined the school work would be easy. I fully expected to spend long hours studying, writing papers, and preparing assignments. I never fathomed the profound effect returning to school would have on every aspect of my life.
I would love to be able to say that I chose nursing because I am a good and noble person and my only goal was to help others. To be perfectly honest, I ended up here because I didn't want to live the rest of my life as the one who never lived up to her potential and I thought that I had had enough exposure to the medical world that I might not fail at this task. I also wanted to be ‘something’ - have a specific role for a career.
Halfway through this journey to become a nurse, I feel like I am overwhelmed with the roles I now play. Student, mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Doing never-ending piles of laundry, grocery shopping to be able to have food to cook dinner, mopping, vacuuming, paying bills, reading books and singing bedtime songs, giving just one more hug and kiss before bed, wiping runny noses, comforting a sick child, and the never ending worry that I am doing it all wrong. And then I add on nursing school, why am I doing this?
I am torn between feeling selfish for wanting this career for myself, and yet at the same time, feel like I am doing all of this for my family. I want my kids to believe that anything is possible. I want to instill in them a strong work ethic. I want to be able to financially support any dream my children want to pursue. I want to define myself as more than just a mother, and yet have my children know that they are the most incredible and most important part of my life.
On my drive to and from campus, I have 20 minutes of alone time that never existed before I started back to school. This has turned out to be a blessing and a curse. The drive has turned into a great opportunity to reflect and think. Time for thinking and feeling can be very therapeutic and yet allows time for the self-doubt and self-criticism to creep in. I have the time to review the material in my head for an exam I am about to take, but I also replay the scene of my preschooler clinging to my leg and crying uncontrollably because she doesn't want me to leave for school. This leads to thoughts of all the tasks around the house that I have put off to focus on school. Then the doubts about if my kids know how absolutely wonderful they are and if I am able to spend enough time with them. Then I switch back to school mode; did I study enough for the exam? Did I show what I have learned in the assignment I am about to turn in? Will I be good enough in my school work AND as a Mom?
Some days I feel like I have put in the extra effort, gone the extra mile and then wonder if it is all really worth it. Why do I voluntarily choose to subject myself to the torture of continuing my education? As this semester comes to a close, I will officially be half way through completing my bachelors of science in nursing. It has been a bumpy road with more ups and downs than I care to even admit. But as this semester ends, I have come to truly believe, that it IS worth it. It is more than maintaining a straight A average, more than successfully checking off a skill in the lab, more than getting all the kids clean, fed and in bed without passing out myself, more than getting everything crossed off my to-do list. It is all worth it because I am able to embrace this brutal and beautiful life.
I had always believed that good and productive person must be happy all the time. The reality is that life is hard and pretending that everything is always good just leads to fake and meaningless life. It is a fine line to walk between embracing the brutal and wallowing in self-pity. Admitting that life is not always pleasant doesn't mean that joy can’t be found in every situation. Sometimes the silver lining is simply that you made it through and tomorrow will be a new day. Trying to create the ‘perfect’ life where there are no highs and lows, on the surface seems to protect myself from hurt and pain, but ultimately limits happiness, joy and love.
A wise professor once told me that it IS worth it, effort will be seen, good will always win. I have learned that it ultimately isn't about what other people see you have done but being able to lay down at night and know in your heart that you used this day the best way you could. Or accepting that you fell short today, needed a break, or didn't do everything you could have, but that tomorrow you WILL try again, and again, and again.
Down this road of life there will be bumps and bruises along the way. Trying to cover up the hurt and pain will result in utter disaster. Learning to reach out a hand to ask for help will not eliminate the difficult times, but will create a safety net to allow you to continue down the road. Sometimes it clear which hand is reaching out to provide help and which hand is receiving the help, but often times the support provided to one another is a positive and powerful experience that blurs the line between helper and helped.
